Sad feelings and 1 YEAR membership on fertility friend!

Last Friday I finally got my period. Oh well, it was better than continuing to take pregnancy tests wondering what the heck is going on! When it finally came I got a huge rush of sadness. Mostly because I just don't know why my body isn't capable of taking care of business like it's supposed to. I would just like to have a surprise pregnancy and get excited and have it stick!


When I miscarried in July the Midwife suggested that I go to the fertility clinic which is not a choice at the moment. She also said I will likely be going back to the perinatal center for high risk pregnancies. I was seen there with my Daughter due to the miscarriages, two spontaneous pneumothorax (lung collapse, yeah OUCH!) and also I have epilepsy (which has been controlled without medication for 6 years!) All of which were conditions previous to our Daughter's conception :) 


I was really hoping for a regular Ob-Gyn and midwife this time around. Once you're delivered, you go back for your 6 week postpartum visit and that's it. The relationship you built over those 9 months is over like a sad breakup! :( I think that was one of the most difficult postpartum issues I dealt with. Nobody ever tells you the maybe a little silly things your going to miss once baby comes into the world. I guess there's just some things you gotta do & I know my doctors there are the best of the best so I really can't complain. 


Also!! I got a sweet 1year membership to fertility friend! If you check out their facebook page- click the promos tab and they run DEEP DEEP discounts off their page! It doesn't last long, so you gotta snag it quick! 


Click here to see --> My Fertility Friend Chart!

How to make a Baby? Intro

Seriously, can I just throw away my crappy reproductive system and get a new one? As I mentioned last month, I had just had my FOURTH miscarriage. Apparently my body is doing the fake out high five with my feelings. I'm pretty good at getting pregnant, not so good at making a baby.


Saturday, 8/20 I got a positive pregnancy test. Although it was faint it was there. I know from experience that you cannot imagine a line that is not there. No matter how hard you squint, cross your eyes and tap the stick, you just can't make it appear. The following morning, still VERY faint, a line. Two days later, 2 Dollar store tests and a First response..NOTHING! No matter which way I turn this stupid little stick or what kind of light I'm in..it's just not there.


I'm getting pretty tired of this game. Now that I have been blessed with such a perfect little girl, it's much simpler  to just shut the hurt off. I would still love to be able to tell my Husband that we're expecting and not have to tell him a few days later that we no longer are. This morning I told him I didn't want to call for a blood test because even though it's normal for them to say your levels are low because it's so early on, it would still worry me more than need be. If I'm going to miscarry again, it's going to happen and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it this early. It's already written in the stars and I need to sit back and let my confused body take action. I'm used to it.


Just knowing that that's how I'm forced to feel about something so magical, if what makes it hard. I want to be excited but instead, seeing a positive pregnancy tests only leads to fear, worry and let down. Welcome to the world miscarriage number 5.


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