How to make a Baby? Intro

Seriously, can I just throw away my crappy reproductive system and get a new one? As I mentioned last month, I had just had my FOURTH miscarriage. Apparently my body is doing the fake out high five with my feelings. I'm pretty good at getting pregnant, not so good at making a baby.


Saturday, 8/20 I got a positive pregnancy test. Although it was faint it was there. I know from experience that you cannot imagine a line that is not there. No matter how hard you squint, cross your eyes and tap the stick, you just can't make it appear. The following morning, still VERY faint, a line. Two days later, 2 Dollar store tests and a First response..NOTHING! No matter which way I turn this stupid little stick or what kind of light I'm in..it's just not there.


I'm getting pretty tired of this game. Now that I have been blessed with such a perfect little girl, it's much simpler  to just shut the hurt off. I would still love to be able to tell my Husband that we're expecting and not have to tell him a few days later that we no longer are. This morning I told him I didn't want to call for a blood test because even though it's normal for them to say your levels are low because it's so early on, it would still worry me more than need be. If I'm going to miscarry again, it's going to happen and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it this early. It's already written in the stars and I need to sit back and let my confused body take action. I'm used to it.


Just knowing that that's how I'm forced to feel about something so magical, if what makes it hard. I want to be excited but instead, seeing a positive pregnancy tests only leads to fear, worry and let down. Welcome to the world miscarriage number 5.


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