Monday, August 22, 2011
How to make a Baby? Intro
Seriously, can I just throw away my crappy reproductive system and get a new one? As I mentioned last month, I had just had my FOURTH miscarriage. Apparently my body is doing the fake out high five with my feelings. I'm pretty good at getting pregnant, not so good at making a baby.
Saturday, 8/20 I got a positive pregnancy test. Although it was faint it was there. I know from experience that you cannot imagine a line that is not there. No matter how hard you squint, cross your eyes and tap the stick, you just can't make it appear. The following morning, still VERY faint, a line. Two days later, 2 Dollar store tests and a First response..NOTHING! No matter which way I turn this stupid little stick or what kind of light I'm in..it's just not there.
I'm getting pretty tired of this game. Now that I have been blessed with such a perfect little girl, it's much simpler to just shut the hurt off. I would still love to be able to tell my Husband that we're expecting and not have to tell him a few days later that we no longer are. This morning I told him I didn't want to call for a blood test because even though it's normal for them to say your levels are low because it's so early on, it would still worry me more than need be. If I'm going to miscarry again, it's going to happen and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it this early. It's already written in the stars and I need to sit back and let my confused body take action. I'm used to it.
Just knowing that that's how I'm forced to feel about something so magical, if what makes it hard. I want to be excited but instead, seeing a positive pregnancy tests only leads to fear, worry and let down. Welcome to the world miscarriage number 5.
Check back for updates on our "Fertility Adventures!"
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Oh I am so sorry! I am getting ready for pregnancy in about a year from now and it scares me because I know if I miscarry it will tear at my heart, and I can only imagine the pain you've gone through. I followed this blog, hope to hear some good news soon! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck. I had one with my first pregnancy and it has made me worry like crazy through my last 2 (even though they both have gone fine). With my 2nd pregnancy I woke up covered in blood and at the ER they just diagnosed me as a probable miscarriage and it scared me to death. However, I just bled a lot during the first few months with my son and he ended up ok.
ReplyDeleteI think people who haven't been through it underestimate how traumatic and painful it is to lose a baby, even if it hasn't been born yet. *hugs*